The Ballad of Mary Sue
by Technoelfie
Summary: The title says it all, I think. It has both Legolas and romance in it, as well as a slightly psychotic Reader. [complete]


_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing. Not Middle-Earth, not the Fellowship, and certainly not Mary Sue.   
  
  
  
  
**The Ballad of Mary Sue**   
  
  
~ ~   
  


One day while strolling in the park I met a Mary Sue   
  
She stood there, being beautiful, and just like that, I knew.  
  
Her hair was blowing in the wind, a brilliant auburn shade;  
  
The sunrays glinted off her bow and off her Elvish blade.  
  
I hate that woman right enough, she's everything I'm not  
  
And spoils my every fanfic read by messing up the plot.  
  
Why can't she be like plain old me, I have to ask myself.  
  
Why drive me mad with jealousy by sleeping with the elf?  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


I followed her that fateful day, and all the way she sang  
  
Her voice was pure, clear loveliness -- I wanted her to hang.  
  
And so we walked through open field as well as forests dark  
  
My feet just hurt, but Mary Sue was merry as a lark.  
  
Some Orcs we met along the way -- they didn't fare too well  
  
And so it wasn't long at all 'till we reached Rivendell.  
  
There at the council she revealed her knowledge of their trip  
  
And so impressed they were with her, she joined the Fellowship.  
  
They let me tag along as well because she asked so nice  
  
She said I came from distant lands, a seer learned and wise.  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


It's ten days later and we are all on the way to hell;  
  
The elf still hasn't kissed her yet. I think that all is well.  
  
Still, all of them like Mary Sue so much it makes me mad  
  
The Hobbits share their food with her and everyone is glad.  
  
Another day has passed but now I've nearly had enough.  
  
I hate them all -- they make me cook and carry all their stuff.  
  
The mountain up, then down again, so far we're doing fine  
  
Despite the elf's and Gandalf's grumbling we get into the mine.  
  
The dwarves are dead (a pity that), the caverns dark and deep  
  
The walls are high, the air is stale, and evil does not sleep.  
  
We meet our share of Orcs, a troll, the monster from the lake...  
  
As Reader I'm protected though, so I can take a break.  
  
Our Mary Sue fights valiantly, she has a lot to prove  
  
I see she's stalking Legolas, but waits to make her move.  
  
She is so fearless during fight Orc body parts just fly  
  
For in a corner of her mind she knows she cannot die.  
  
Oh, Legolas is deadly too, but still she saves him twice;  
  
He smiles at her -- he does not know she did it for a price.  
  
The Balrog comes, and Gandalf falls. The Fellowship escapes,  
  
We make haste towards Lorien, where we're to meet our fates.  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


The wood is truly beautiful, mysterious and alarming  
  
The welcome, too, is cool at best and somewhat less than charming.  
  
Aloof and grave they lead us up the nicest tree I've seen,  
  
And suddenly we find ourselves before the king and queen.  
  
Galadriel looks down at us, her eyes a piercing blue,  
  
But even she cannot resist the charm of Mary Sue.  
  
The elf queen thinks it's cool to stare and enter someone's head   
  
Still, soon enough we are dismissed so we can get to bed.  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


I find myself a cozy place away from all the rest  
  
Rubbing my neck I settle down into my little nest.  
  
Well, just before I drift to sleep that Mary Sue turns up   
  
She's chatty -- guess she wants to talk. I can't get her to stop.  
  
Then Legolas arrives after what must have been an hour;  
  
I gnash my teeth when he comes close and offers her a flower.  
  
She blushes then, all innocent, and sniffles at the rose  
  
I want to grab an arrow then, and stick it up her nose.  
  
Oh, how she fawns and clings to him; I think I'm feeling sick  
  
And Legolas, he strokes her face -- I need to barf, and quick!  
  
Her soulful eyes stare into his, thus strengthening the spell  
  
Their lovesick murmurs putting me through seven kinds of hell.  
  
Oh elf, you superficial elf, why did you lose your head?  
  
Why not deny her luscious charms, and neck with me instead?  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


They walk away, but not too far, so that I can still see  
  
Laughing they struggle for a while and then she tries to flee.  
  
The elf just grins while grabbing her with strong though slender hands  
  
She giggles -- how inane that sounds! -- and digs into his pants.  
  
And since she knows I'm there and smiles, I'm adding to my list  
  
That she's not only shagging him -- she's exhibitionist!  
  


  
  
~ ~   
  


That's it, enough. I'm out of here, I can't take anymore,   
  
But I'll be back there soon enough, and then we go to war.   
  
Oh, my revenge is terrible: I know just what to do   
  
I'm going home. When I return, I'll be a Mary Sue.   
  



End file.
